I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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