i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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