mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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