1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize