I just pynch a tree in the face
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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