Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
