I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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