i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
