Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
