My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm just crazy horny about you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
soo... how was my night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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