you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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