A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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