I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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