hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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