Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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