Tell her she can't have a vagina
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
