Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
