nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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