My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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