Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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