Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize