so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
