Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hippo gnu deer
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
