i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
