He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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