addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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