I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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