Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Your penis caused this!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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