Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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