I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
