Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
