Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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