I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
