How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
