Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
