my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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