Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
