You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
