girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
