I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I FOUND THE LEGS
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize