I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
