I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
