oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
