So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
