you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
