she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
