Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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