Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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