After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
