I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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