life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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