All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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