he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
