Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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