i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize