im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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