My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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